Monday, May 09, 2005

Just Call Me Veruca Salt

I want a cigarette, and I want one now.

With the new policies, the smokers are coming under particular watch with the supervisors, to make sure we're only indulging during our scheduled breaks and lunches.

I want a cigarette. I want one so bad.

It's curious how psychology works. Normally (even if I had ever smoked during a nonscheduled break, which OF COURSE I have NEVER DONE), I wouldn't want a cigarette this early in my shift, only an hour and a quarter in. It usually takes at least another half-hour before I start to shift and wiggle in my chair, and part of that is not nic-fit but sheer-boredom related.

I want a cigarette. Want want want. I'm turning into that guy from Airplane!

Outside in the smoker's purgatory, a pathetic, stunted little tree on the divider of the property between us and the bank, the sun is shining. Out there it is warm and I would not need to be wrapped in a knit blanket printed with sunflowers, the one that used to be on my bed when I was a kid, back when I had the bedroom with the exterior door that meant I could go smoke whenever I wanted to.

Cigarette. Want. Parce want cigarette.

The smoker's purgatory is almost like heaven compared with inside. I'm freezing, to start eyes are burning from tiredness as my all-important final hour of sleep was interrupted by the guys who MUST start mowing the grass at 7 AM OUTSIDE PEOPLE'S WINDOWS instead of on the parts of the property that DON'T BORDER ANYONE'S PRIVATE SLEEPING SPACE...outside there is grass! And honeysuckle! And one stunted little tree! And people! People, with cigarettes!

I want it NOW.

What I'm wondering is...who narced? What smoker told on the other smokers who may or may not have been seeking a little extracurricular nicotine? Why would someone do that? Don't they understand karma and realize that they will now be off sneaking a smoke when something REALLY important happens, like the birth of their first child, or the cancellation of Charmed, and it will be because they told on their subordinates. I happen to know that one particular department is comprised entirely of smokers, and I've seen the entire department take a smoke break at the same time. Somehow I don't think they're complying with their regularly scheduled breaks and lunches to make sure all departments remain at maximum efficiency throughout the day.

Give me a cigarette before I get mad. I'm already thinking about crawling under the desk and lighting up just long enough to taste it.

At CDHSarah's work she can take the phone OUTSIDE WITH HER so she can smoke and do her job at the same time. If I hadn't broken the compy, I could be sitting at home, not taking calls and smoking. (There are no calls right now. I haven't had a call in 20 minutes. I could have had a cigarette and been back and not dropped call 1.) Plus, there would be kitties there.

Give me a cigarette. Give me one now.
Or leave me a comment, because I? Have an hour to go. And I? Am not pleased.


At 10:20 AM, Blogger Irina Tsukerman said...

Maybe you could do something really boring to distract yourself. Unfortunately, the side effect of that would be you falling asleep! : )

At 10:52 AM, Blogger parcequilfaut said...

I spent the time reading the recap of the Rosie O'Donnell Hallmark movie about the mentally disabled and giggling (at the wit of the recapper, not the plight of the disabled) so that worked out. Sort of.

I'm particularly bummed because they've pulled something they pull sometimes and given me my lunch 45 minutes after my first break, which means I have three and a half solid hours without breaks after that. ARRRGH. In addition to the nic fits, I get eyestrain from sitting here that long.

At 11:59 AM, Blogger Special Sauce said...


If I read this recap, does it techincally count as work? Because... HEE!

Is it a federal law that you have to freeze your ass off in a call center? Seriously! The DMV center was cold enough I could store meat on the shelf of my cubicle, and have no problems with spoilage. Of course, we swaddled in blankets and parkas. On the days that we had people from the state down, though, they circulated memos- "NO Blankets, No Coats" lest the higher ups be offended. Bastards.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger parcequilfaut said...

They've never pulled that on us here, because this call center stays cold for a semi-reasonable adjoins the production floor, where there are super-hot stage lights on all the time, and until they divide the call center from the studio floor there's no way to balance that out without frying the talent. As to whether that would be a bad thing, or whether they will warm it up one bit once the division has taken place? I have no idea, but somehow doubt is foremost in my mind.

My last call center had no such excuse to be at subzero temps all the time, made us WEAR UNIFORMS, and would not allow jackets, blankets, or non-work related materials in the call center when prospective clients came to call. Which is so good, you know, making the employees really, really angry when they're supposed to be on their best behavior. Of course, this was the place where I once got a write-up for insubordination because when I was told to take off the bandanna that keeps my dreads from getting hung in the headset, I used it to tie said dreads back in a ponytail. The issue? The bandanna wasn't uniform colors. Big. Old. Whatever. That's the only job I've ever straight-up quit by stealth...walked in on a Sunday and slipped a letter of resignation under the VP's door telling her that for my mental health I had to terminate my employment immediately. It was sweet.

At 5:06 PM, Blogger Special Sauce said...

Do you want a devilled eggggggg?

Sorry. Couldn't resist. Thanks for the heads up on the recap, I about peed, I was laughing so hard.

From what I hear, though, the book's not terrible. There was a spate of similarly-themed titles released at the same time.

Uniforms? In a call center? They DO know you don't have video phones, right? The mind fairly boggles. I mean, I know that because they've packed hinty-bazillion CPUs into a tiny area, it has to, by necessity, stay chilly. But damn, that center must have been run by sadists.

At 5:50 PM, Blogger parcequilfaut said...

It was owned by an asshole, power-hungry white guy with an obnoxious khaki Humvee (who once used said vehicle to spray snow on me when my car was stuck due to his cheapass inability to deice his parking lot), the call center was administered by the worst nepotist I've ever known, and my manager hated me with the fire of 1000 suns. And resembled nothing so much as the bovine spawn of Satan. Sadists? Yes. One of the other managers ended up on the shrink ward with me about 6 months after I left.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger parcequilfaut said...

Oh, and did I mention getting sent home for forgetting my belt? Did I?

Do you want a deviled eeeeeggggg? Do we have something to learn from you? BABY HATER!

At 6:18 PM, Anonymous GoddessAradia said...

Now now, parcequilfaut. I think I did my share of shitty work at the awful waffle getting harrased (sexually) by my boss and a customer simultaneously. I deserve at least a few months at a decent job after that, don't I?
Though I sympathize with you on the part of smoking.
While, I am generally given a flexable break schedule, I only tried taking the phone with me once and that didn't work out so well. My largest problem is when my usual smoke break is interfered
by the lack of someone being able to cover the phone. Nothing compared to your thing, I know. But still, I understand;oP


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